No one speaks "BLINK" like mama!

Did Say Myspace?

 I successfully stayed at home 5 years before returning to the working world. Every moment I spent (At the time being a spouse of a Soldier) was spent doing some minuscule task that I had trumped up to do or die tasks. I was always in a constant competition with my planner....something that I still cannot manage to dodge. I heard that being a stay at home mama was supposed to be full of adventure! "One of the most important jobs ever!" was actually the quote on my MySpace page. 

Before Roberts boy A was born I never thought of what would happen if I had a child and carrying the title of a working mama. See i'm from a very small town *cough state. We still have those hard-core family values where we know our aunts and uncles, have family dinners, and Grandma WAS/IS/WILL FOREVER BE the director, cook, secretary, and teacher of her custom daycare inside of her home for her grandchildren. Thus when Roberts boy A arrived in the world, he attended his Na-Na's, and I joined the working world. 

HELLO HAWAII!

When my husband joined the Army it was the first time I ever had to place my baby in the care of a stranger. I knew that my son was different. Pre-diagnosis, we assumed he was just an old country soul. We thought he was a child with little to say, so I was already nervous to leave him with anyone. What if he was hungry, thirsty, or wanted a hug? No one new his blinks like me! I decided to stay home, until I needed to go to a doctors appointment which didn't permit children, Thomas was off Island for training, and I knew no one. I settled for on post care because it was hourly and they were all trained.

When I took a breath upon pulling into the parking lot to pick my baby up I realized maybe he was fine. He was playing on the playground with only one other child and 2 care providers. Then it happened, the moment that created such anxiety in my core I refused to let him out of my sight and by default his brother (who had just been confirmed at the time). I watched my baby be snatched off the ground by one arm. His face of panic showed me he had no clue why this was happening. 

I cannot tell you how I made it from my car to that playground. All I know is I was like a Bull/ Lioness hybrid. The rest is all she wrote. That one moment took me 5 years to get over. It shaped so much that followed. 2 additional children later when I think back at that moment, it charges something in me. One thing that it definitely did was mold my parenting. I slowly started shifting my parenting. I had 0 clue back then but my heart was learning Montessori. I took my anxiety and fear of being away from the boys and started to use it to form lessons for myself that I want to share with you.

How would I want others to speak to my children?

I cannot expect my children to know they are deserving of more respect than to be yelled at if I yell at them.

How would I want others to enter their personal space?

If I hit my child out of anger eventually would the expectation be that it is acceptable to be hit by adult.

Obviously there are exceptions to this within reason (refer to your Bible for user manual)

How do I want them to grow up and treat others?

If I am not patient with them, or show them grace and kindness consistently, would it be optional for them to afford these actions to others.

I can tell you that I still
have bouts of that separation anxiety, it does makes it easier that my children are at the building that I work in. As I transition back to being a stay at home mommy/ wife in less than 6 months, I rest of the glass half full that one event that was traumatic to me (because children are resilient) has guided me to being a stronger mother and advocate for my children. It has helped me empower them to acknowledge that they deserve respect......even if they haven't a clue of what the word is.

The Dark Dark HOLE

HERE I GO AGAIN ON MY OWN....WAIT NOPE THERE'S A HOUSE FULL OF HUMANS WHO NEED ME!

 I was picking up chip bags, sketch books, and uncapped markers when I hit rock bottom. I don't know what happened. It was almost as if a darkness covered me. I was worn out completely and I literally had to think if I had taken a breath. I mean come on.....of course I was breathing because I was able to do the magic of Cinderella's fairy Godmother but with the attitude of the Wicked Witch of the West but like breathing with the intent of not just surviving. My fuse was as short as a stick of lit TNT. I was in a dark dark hole. I cried. I mean ugly cried. The cry that brought such shame. How could I have let my emotions get the best of me?

SHAME! SHAME! 

It is so hard ya'll to get caught up in go mode that you forget every machine has an emergency stop button. I believe the shame came from walking out of the house and being told, "Oh WOW! YOU really have it all together." Thanks Susan, but Roberts Boy B just asked for a whole set of clothes because he spilled a cup of water on himself that he stowed in the back seat when I told him to put the lid on. I had become an enemy to myself. I I had started entertaining the invisible crowd of judges in my head I swore to never care about. Other people were patting me on the back when I failed to do so myself. There is no bigger defeat then not being your biggest cheerleader. Ricky Bobby put it so elegantly to inform us all that, "If ya ain't first, you're last!" SO today I am writing you this so that we may talk about self care.

INSERT FACE PALM, GET UP AND DUST YOURSELF OFF LADY!

What have you done for yourself? Sure you created little humans (WHO PROBABLY LOOK NOTHING LIKE YOU....) but what have you done to help maintain yourself. We all can list off a mountain of things other people tell us what self care looks like. I am not going to lie to you, and people think I am crazy when I say this, lately my secret pleasure of self care has been sneaking off to Sam's Club and grabbing the biggest Root Beer float I can get my hands on. Want to hear something even dirtier? One time I got two! I know right, I am a bad Mother-Hubbard. I then proceeded to the parking lot finished them both off while people watching, and drove home without any groceries. There I said it.

THE CHALLENGE!

Did you know that self care and mental health actually go hand in hand. It is not as easy as everyone makes it seem especially to mothers. One might even consider it a discipline to some extent. MAKING time for ourselves, as adults in general, takes intent. I challenge you to start slow. Practice being selfish for 20 minutes out of each day. Take a moment to breath with the purpose of feeling your lungs fill up. Taste your favorite treat. Smell those.........dirty socks under your couch pillow you can put in the laundry later!